Glasses of Water
by Aimael
Summary: In which Lucy and Susan can't sleep, and Susan asks about Caspian. It's hard to forget a life that was everything you wanted, but you can't have again. In which Lucy tries to convince Susan that Aslan isn't really gone. Set after Dawn Treader.


_A/N: I watched "Prince Caspian" in the movies about two weeks ago, and promptly fell in love with it; the scene with the White Witch and the Susan-Caspian pairing especially. It inspired me so much that the moment I came home, I started to write this. (You should know that this is about how fast I ever write; about 3000 words in two weeks, and then _wanting_ to write. I have never considered myself a fast writer…) _

_This is set after Dawn Treader, so those of you who have only watched the movies and not read the books will probably have a hard time understanding. I apologize in advance for any grammar or fact errors you might find; English is not my first language, and I don't own any of the books in English. _

_Now, as this is my first try of a Narnian fanfiction, any reviews would make my day. Constructive criticism is even better. Now, on to the disclaimer and the story!_

_Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to C.S Lewis, except for Aslan. I believe He belongs to everyone who wants Him. _

* * *

Lucy couldn't sleep. It was almost midnight, and she had to take the train to school early tomorrow morning, and she just _couldn't_ fall asleep, and it was terribly annoying. She supposed she had too much on her mind.

She had, together with Edmund and Eustace, come back from Narnia five days ago, and Susan and Peter was now also at home for the weekend. Susan had fallen very ill on the trip in America with Mum and Dad, so she had, together with a young, kind, American couple who were going to England, taken an earlier ship back. She was terribly disappointed, of course, but she was acting grown-up enough to not show it.

But what was worse was that Susan _always_ tried to act more mature than she was. She was _eighteen_, not thirty! She had, several times, in fact, smiled kindly when Lucy asked something, and then patronizingly said; "you will understand when you are older", which reminded Lucy very much of Peter's and Susan's last visit to Narnia, when Susan had kissed king Caspian. And Susan never joined Lucy, Edmund and Peter in their discussions about Narnia anymore, because she always had something better to do, and shouldn't they three act their age? Peter had once asked in reply if she shouldn't as well, since she obviously tried to be so much older than she was. Susan hadn't spoken to him for days after that, which Peter ironically said to Lucy was because Susan was so _very_ mature.

Lucy could hear Peter's deep breaths, which said clearer than words that he was asleep, and Edmund's wheezy panting that said the same, from the room next to hers and Susan's. Susan was facing the wall, so Lucy couldn't be sure if she was asleep or not. She probably was, though. She was probably exhausted. It couldn't be easy to have seen so much in so little time as she had done, or attended so many fancy parties with young, handsome American men, and then fallen ill on top of it all, according to what Lucy could understand of Susan's grown-up chatting with Peter. Apparently, Lucy was too young to be included, or even begin to understand.

But it didn't matter to Lucy, since she could think of nothing but Narnia, and the islands they had seen with king Caspian, and the people and strange creatures that they had met, sailing towards the World's End. When she closed her eyes, she saw the dragon that Eustace had turned into, or Ramandu, the star that looked like an old man, or the three knights at the table with food that renewed itself every day, or the poor knight that had been turned into gold.

She sighed and threw off her quilt. It was too hot in the room, despite the low temperatures just outside the window. As she tossed and turned in the bed, and opened and closed her eyes in turns, she desperately wished she could go back. She had always felt more at home in Narnia than in England.

But Aslan had said she could never return.

She decided to get out of bed to take a glass of water. She wasn't very thirsty, but she needed to clear her head, or else she would start crying. She would miss Narnia so terribly… As she sat up in bed and yawned, Susan turned around and sighed deeply. Lucy stilled. At first, it seemed as if Susan was still asleep, since she still breathed slowly and had her eyes closed, but then she opened one eye.

"Can't sleep?" asked Lucy quietly.

Susan shook her head and sighed.

"Me neither," said Lucy, and stretched her arms as she yawned again. "Even though I am so tired."

"Why are you sitting up, Lu?" whispered Susan.

"I am going to the kitchen for a glass of water", replied Lucy. "Are you coming?"

Susan nodded after hesitating for a second, and began to search with one hand under her bed for slippers.

Together, they silently walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Susan filled to glasses, and then they sat at the kitchen table, drinking slowly and yawning in turns. Lucy felt more comfortable than she had done for a very long time in Susan's company. When it was just them, all by themselves, in the middle of the night and far from watching eyes, Susan seemed almost… normal. As she had been before. No pretty clothes, no red lipstick and no jewellery to play on her beauty – just Susan, in her old pale yellow nightdress and black rings under her eyes from lack of sleep.

Susan played with her hair and looked down at the table, and Lucy thought she still looked slightly sick, even though she was back to health once again since a few days ago.

"Lucy", said Susan suddenly, "what was he like?"

Lucy could do nothing but stare.

"What was who like?"

Susan gave Lucy an irritated look.

"You know who I mean."

"No, I don't", said Lucy honestly, bewildered.

Susan looked down at the one of her hands that wasn't playing with her hair and still held the glass. Lucy thought she might blush a little.

"Caspian", said Susan, barely audible.

Lucy straightened in her chair and watched Susan twist her long, brown hair around her fingers for a little while.

"I thought Narnia was for children", said Lucy finally, and her sister got even redder.

"Forget it", whispered Susan and put her hands on her temples and rubbed. "Just… forget that I asked."

Lucy decided that what Susan needed wasn't mean comments of her wrongs; she _was_ under quite a lot stress at the moment, with everyone wanting her to meet their expectations of beauty and brilliance, and smiled kindly.

"He was taller than last time, I think", said Lucy, and Susan's head shot up. Lucy could see that her eyes were glazed with tears, and felt awful for causing them. "He was kind, as always, and he still had that funny accent."

Susan and Lucy shared a quick, hesitating smile.

"He was… he dressed differently now, and he was more ironic than what I remembered", continued Lucy, and was rewarded with a nostalgic, sad smile from Susan. "And he had a beard for a few days once", Lucy smiled at the memory, "and it didn't fit him at all."

Susan had put her head in one of her hands, and tilted it slightly, listening very carefully, and Lucy was at loss for what to say. She didn't know what Susan would want to hear.

"He… he told me and Edmund and Eustace about Narnia", stammered Lucy. "It's almost as it was back when we lived there, he says. The trees are dancing again… and he's got a centaur and a dwarf and a talking bear in his council, and a dryad and a telmarin and-"

"Slow down, Lucy", said Susan, and Lucy felt her cheeks go warm. Instead of slowing down, she stopped talking.

They sat in silence for a while; Lucy wondering what she should tell Susan next, because she didn't have that much to tell, since everything was tied to an incident, which Susan knew nothing about. Susan hadn't _wanted_ to know about hers and Edmund's last visit to Narnia. She had asked; "were you hurt?", and Lucy had, taken aback, answered "no", and then Susan nodded and left the room, as her brothers and sister continued talking about their land. Lucy understood that maybe Susan hadn't been as indifferent as she had seemed.

Now, she could see that Susan was dying to ask something, but didn't, for some reason. After a few minutes Lucy couldn't take the tension anymore, so she said:

"Well?"

Susan hesitated; then asked very slowly:

"Did he… ask about me?"

Lucy understood that the answer was very important to Susan, so it pained her to say:

"He… asked about Peter and you once."

Nothing changed in Susan's appearance when she heard the answer, but her eyes seemed a little less lively than they had before.

"But he didn't ask about me?" asked Susan, trying to clarify.

"No", said Lucy, shaking her head and feeling very young, "no, he did not."

"Oh", said Susan, and shifted in her chair. After a short pause Susan continued; "And did he seem… happy?"

Lucy looked down at her half-empty glass of water.

"Yes", whispered Lucy, "yes, he did."

"Oh", said Susan again.

They sat at the table for a while longer, taking occasionally a sip of water. When Susan suggested going upstairs to try to sleep once more, Lucy immediately agreed. They silently treaded up the stairs again, with their glasses of water carefully held in both hands. Susan stopped and closed the door, as Lucy sat her glass at the night stand and climbed back in bed, suddenly extremely tired. She waited until Susan had lied down as well, before she said sleepily;

"Sleep well, Queen Susan."

Susan started, and Lucy realized what she had said. That phrase was a memory of their time in Narnia, and Lucy said it almost automatically. She hadn't said it for over two years now, however. Susan didn't like it.

"I mean, good night", stuttered Lucy, trying to repair her mistake.

From what Lucy could see, Susan nodded. Then it went quiet, uneasily so, because Lucy missed Susan's answer to the phrase, and she could imagine that Susan hadn't wanted to hear the phrase at all. Finally, Lucy was able to put thoughts of her longing for old days aside, and fallen into a comfortable almost-slumber. Then Susan spoke again.

"Are you sleeping, Lucy?"

Lucy turned around to face Susan, even though the only thing she could see of her in the darkness and through her half-closed eyelids was the glitter that was her eyes.

"No", mumbled Lucy, not entirely truthful. "Not anymore."

"I'm sorry for waking you", said Susan, but not sounding very sorry, just sad and tired. "But I have to know… has he… I mean, does he…"

"Get to the point, Susan, please", said Lucy, a little irritated because of lack of sleep.

"Yes, of course", answered Susan with that arrogant-sounding voice that meant that she was a little embarrassed. "What I meant to say is, is he… is he in love? Has he found…"

Lucy could hear the unspoken "someone else" that Susan didn't want to say, because it was too cliché, and because Susan was never really Caspian's. Still, Lucy didn't want to answer what she knew she had to.

"Yes", answered Lucy. "Yes, he loves someone. I think they will get married soon."

"Oh", said Susan quietly for the third time that night. It was silent for a little while, before Susan asked hesitantly;

"And is she beautiful?"

"Yes", whispered Lucy. "She is. She's the daughter of a Star, you know."

The silence the followed told Lucy that her sister didn't know. They had, after all, never heard of something that was anything like a Star that looked like a human when they were Kings and Queens of Narnia, and even if they had, Susan was nowadays very good at simply forgetting things about Narnia.

They lied in silence for so long that Lucy assumed that they had finished talking for tonight, and she once again started to put thoughts of Narnia aside so she could fall asleep. Usually, thoughts of her beloved land was her favourite thing to think about, but now, so close to her very last journey there, it hurt too much to think about. When Lucy once again had fallen into that state between being awake and sleeping, Susan asked with low voice:

"Do you think I will meet him again? Did… Aslan say anything?"

Lucy didn't know what to say. Had it been anyone else, anyone, talking with such audible sadness that was so very unlike Susan, she would have tried to console, said that everything will be fine, but Susan was too intelligent, too independent, to be fooled or soothed by something as empty as that when she already knew it wouldn't be fine. Finally, Lucy decided that anything less than the truth would be to dishonour the memory of Queen Susan the Gentle, and answered:

"I do not think any of us will go back to Narnia as we know it."

Susan didn't answer, but the sigh that escaped her told Lucy that it was the answer she had expected.

"You've grown, Lucy", said Susan simply.

What came next, however, had Lucy not expected.

"So sleep well, Queen Lucy, and may Aslan smile towards you in your dreams."

Lucy's eyes filled with tears she very much didn't want to cry. Still, she couldn't help the one small sob escaping her, as she tried to collect the pieces of her, whereof many were left in Narnia. Susan sat quickly up in her bed when she heard the soft sound.

"Lucy – I-I didn't mean to… was it something I said?"

Lucy shook her head, but doubted Susan could see that in the shadows of their room. She angrily wiped the tears away from her cheeks, and said in an only faintly quivering voice;

"I just miss it, you know? We had a good time, didn't we? And Aslan said… I mean, he seems so far away now, when I can't go back."

Susan uttered a small, surprised noise. Lucy took no notice, and continued in a slight stronger voice, now when she had almost stopped crying.

"And I know he said he's in our world too, but he's not the same here, and I don't know where to start looking…"

Susan had risen from her bed and slowly walked over to Lucy's, and when the younger sister trailed off, Susan said kindly;

"Lu, this is exactly why Narnia isn't good for us."

Lucy started to protest, but Susan continued quickly, but just as softly, before Lucy had had the time to utter anything coherent.

"I apologize for saying something that made you sad; I thought that you would find comfort in that. It's so clear; you are unhappy because you can't come back, when it was just temporary from the beginning! Aslan belongs to Narnia. You belong here. Trying to take a part from one world into the other… it's not possible, Lucy. You'll hurt yourself."

And finally Lucy understood why Susan denied herself the dreams of Narnia. She hadn't forgotten, but she had tried. Because she truly believed it was the right thing to do.

The problem was, sooner or later, she would succeed in forgetting, and then all the experiences, all the changes, all the lessons learned, would go to waste.

"I won't hurt myself", said Lucy. "Aslan told me to try to find Him, and I will. He's always taken care of us, Susan, why not now?"

Susan calmly met Lucy's eye, and when she spoke, it was so much of the Susan she was in daylight, with an audience, so much of the girl everyone wanted to be successful and kind and intelligent, and as answer to that had become wiseacre and superior to everyone younger or less bright, that Lucy almost yelled in frustration. Everything had gone so well all night…

"I am only saying this for your best, Lucy. Don't come to me in a couple of years when you realize I was right all along."

Lucy almost told Susan exactly what she thought of her attitude, but didn't. It wasn't what any of them needed that night. It was getting late, and they would both be incredibly tired in the morning, and an argument would perhaps wake Peter and Edmund up. Instead, Lucy simply asked;

"When I find Him, do you want me to tell you where to look?"

Susan stared at her sister for a moment, not needing to ask who _He_ was. For one moment, Lucy thought she would say yes. That she missed Aslan, His guidance. His way to make everyone feel loved. Then, Susan pityingly shook her head and sighed, with a small, tolerant smile. Then she touched Lucy's hair, let go, and got back into her own bed. Soon, Lucy could hear her breaths evening out, indicating she had fallen asleep.

Lucy didn't sigh. She didn't cry, she didn't yell, she didn't demand Susan to listen. She just longed for Susan to understand, but didn't know how to make her. So she didn't try. She told Aslan, quietly, in her head, hoping he would hear, when she shifted in her bed, relaxing and feeling so very tired, that now it was up to Him to show Susan that she was wrong. Either that, or to show Lucy how to show Susan that she was wrong. But most of all, to show Lucy how to find him.

When Lucy finally fell asleep, thinking about too much and nothing at the same time (_Caspian, Susan, the daughter of Ramandu, Aslan, Peter, Mum, Edmund, Dad, Eustace_), she dreamed no dreams which Aslan could smile towards her in. She woke up worried the next morning when Peter came into hers and Susan's room to tell them he was leaving. But the night before had done nothing but to strengthen Lucy's belief that she had to find Aslan. That she had to show Susan a way back.

And now she had an idea where to look.

* * *


End file.
